Yesterday my dad and I had a belated father's day celebration, which came in the form of golfing 18 holes. We decided to trek up to Kenosha to enjoy the day, Wisconsin-style. On the 9th hole (although it was actually the 18th, since we started on the back 9), I hit a drive that caught the paved cart path and started bouncing toward the people in front of us. Whoops! Fortunately, no harm done. Then as we finished up and I start walking to the next hole, a man approaches me and says "How're you doing?" I smile politely and say, "Not too bad!" He then proceeds to inform me that my ball hit his son's [golf] bag. I apologize and explain that the cart path sent it on a wacky trajectory. Certainly nothing intentional. He repeats that my ball hit his son's bag and says "I don't want anything, I just thought I'd let you know how I feel." After going back and forth a couple times with this same exchange, he walks away.
I really wanted to ask him what exactly he would ask for if he changed his mind about not wanting anything. A sleeve of golf balls? Maybe a bag of tees? Would he sue me for the trauma done to his [adult] son? He also never actually specifically told me how he felt despite saying "I just thought I'd let you know how I feel" several times. Perhaps he literally meant that he just thought it.
Anyway, the reason why I'm writing about this little exchange is that I was bothered by something that was underlying. There's a certain point in every person's life where his or her parents need to stop being the parents of a child and start being the parents of an adult. When there's a conflict, a mature individual handles the conflict as an individual. When a parent involves him or herself as a proxy, it either reflects badly on the son or daughter (who comes off as weak), the parent (who comes off as overbearing and possibly irrational or ass-y), or both. Unfortunately in most cases, it'll be both.
So parents, the next time your kid as an issue to deal with, and said kid is an adult, just let it be. Maybe it'll be dealt with or maybe it'll be ignored and just blow over, but either way, you can rest easy knowing that you didn't make it worse. Contrary to the typical conclusions of an overly-defensive mind, something that is perceived as a minor "attack" by a passer-by, friend, acquaintance, etc. is most likely not an attack. But it's tough for a defensive person to remove their filter. Although if everyone just kept all of this in mind during their day-to-day interactions, I think that the world would probably be a slightly cheerier place.
